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I've never had a traditional mother-child relationship with them. I've never been willing to give over my life to anyone, including my children. I have no intention of being their maid, chauffeur, conscience

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or savior. I haven't given up my work, school or social life. However, the intensity with which our lives are connected has grown from the time of their birth. That intensity has also had a profound effect on how I see and interact with the rest of the world.

I'm not as casual now as I used to be about both personal and world events. What I do with my life. now affects not only me but two people who exist because of me. Although the relationship a mother has with her children is a continual process of change, a process of growing up and apart, the state of motherhood is for life. You will always be your children's mother whether they are infants, adolescents, adults or senior citizens. I use the word "motherhood" here in the sense of caring about another person with a kind of completeness you may never feel toward anyone else. I can, of course, only speak, for myself. I think the changes that occur in a woman's life, as a result of giving birth, are deeper and more subtle than the limiting of activities and impulses. I think I was fortunate in not having any expectations about what motherhood would be like. I neither expected my womanhood to be affirmed nor to become a prisoner of patriarchy.

I do know that I was changed by the experience of childbirth. When I first held my son, I realized he was a stranger and that I would have to "learn" to know him in much the same way I would learn to know anyone I've met for the first time. Maybe some new mothers feel an instant rush of love. I didn't. I think that the first bond between a mother and child is physical. There you are, faced with the overwhelming responsibility of insuring the survival of an absolutely dependent infant. I would label that response as caring, not love. It is not the same love that comes from spending time with a person, getting to know him/her, and growing together.

Confusing the emotions of love and caring is always at the expense of the mother. The first three months of the baby's life can be hell for the mother.. A stranger moves into the house, with instinctive needs, and makes almost continuous demands. If a mother becomes irritated, she feels guilty. "I'm supposed to love this baby". I don't know what it feels like to be a father. I imagine they feel more like spectators than participants.

The fact is that the mother bears, gives birth to and

intimately insures the survival of the baby. This strong physical bond connects the mother and child in a way that could exclude the father unless he participates in the child's life by choice to the extent that the mother is expected to by "instinct". Otherwise, the full burden of expectations by society at large falls on the mother. It is essential for the well-being of all persons involved in a family, especially the children, that the adults' relationship be healthy, strong and supportive.

Parents who choose to have children are off to a good start. But conscious choice is not a guarantee. I think there are fewer guarantees in parenting than in any other venture. You have no way of knowing what kind of people your children will turn out to be. Will your children be healthy? Productive or lazy? Considerate or indifferent? One thing you can be sure of is they won't be like you. Most of us are very different from our parents. How many of our parents are feminists, environmentalists or socialists?

The day to day work of being a parent is not glamorous or especially lofty. It's just crucially important. The most important (and draining) aspect of mothering is the continuous process of encouraging your child to like him/herself and to think independently. Your child may use what tools you have given him/her in ways you disagree with. [S/he may join the Republican Party or the Hare Krishnas.] This is painful. It must have been for our parents also. But this is the quality of unselfishness that's required.

The unhappiest parents are the ones who measure their success by the degree to which their children duplicate their own lifestyle. One of the most valuable things you can give your child is choice. I don't think anyone owes the world their children. That places a terrible burden on a child. The world would be a better place, however, if more people liked themselves and thought independently. If we "owe" anyone anything, we owe it to ourselves, to act on our beliefs in every area of our lives. If we live consistently, according to our convictions about women, about the environment, etc., our children will benefit. We can promote certain general valueshonesty, sensitivity, or openmindedness, for example-but we can't impose our more specific beliefs on our children.

Trying to recreate your own childhood by having children is a losing proposition. Life with children is unpredictable. They may foil all your fondest expectations. Family participation is very different as a parent than it was as a child. You could work for weeks to create a nostalgic Christmas which goes unappreciated, then have a delightful excursion to the grocery store. Children do need a family (not necessarily nuclear), and people around them who care consistently about them and about each other. But your childhood memories are for you. Your children may be interested in your past, but they won't want to relive it.

My children have enriched my life. Watching them grow and learn has sharpened my own vision. The freshness with which they see things and their directness is sometimes a little awesome but never dull. I like my sons; if we weren't related, I'd like them just as friends. They're good company. Sometimes, I wish I just didn't care so much or that I could have a day's vacation from the emotions that accompany motherhood.

I would never suggest to Christine Haynes or anyone else either to have or not to have children. Both the decision and its consequences are, in my opinion, personal, I would encourage any prospective parent to examine carefully the decision to have a child, and to examine the reasons which support that decision. Look critically at all advice; it is, after all, your choice, one that you will live with always.

-Anonymous

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